Don't Open the Box: Tamagon Has Sinned, He Must Repent

I've done it! I've figured out Devil World!

Alas!

Tamagon, the main character is a creature that has been Left Behind. This happened because he committed the sin of gluttony. He loves sunny-side-up eggs. But because he did not repent to the Lord Jesus like the too-fat-to-walk riders of electronic chariots, he did not proceed to the Great Bacon Party in the Sky on the day of rapture.

Now he's stuck on Earth, which is infested with demons. Unbeknownst to Tamagon, the Devil controls his life! Tamagon must take control by finding the Lord (who grants the power to breathe fire to thy enemies via Holy Halitosis) and eating the blissful white leftover souls of people zapped away on the day of reckoning. (The real Light Souls starts here!)

The solitary eye is for cruising hot guys.

Speaking of enemies, notice how the only inhabitants left are Tamagon, demons and pink creatures? Pink? I think we all know what that means: God doesn't let gay people enter the Kingdom of Heaven! Want proof? Once confronted by the fires of the Lord, the gay people burn away into delicious eggs, obviously because of the deposit of excess reproductive material that has built up in their butts!

So after Tamagon finds enlightenment by devouring the souls of the righteous like some Walmart CEO, he must learn to piece together fragments of the Bible ripped apart by the demons and bring them to the Holy Church (aka McDonalds) where all the righteous convene with their unemployment dollars to in Bible Studies surrounded by healthy family food. There, Tamagon can learn to say, "Jesus, ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, I'm lovin' it!"

Struttin' in sexy red underwear!

 Once he does that, of course the Devil (who also is obviously gay because he wears  red hot pants) gets turned into a bat like all the characters in such popular demonic  witchcraft books like Twilight and leaves poor Tamagon alone.

 Alas! Every time Tamagon manages to banish Satan from his mind, he succumbs to the  temptations of the tree of knowledge and instead of being born again, eats his green  extra life. Thus the cycle of death and rebirth begins anew, sometimes with Tamagon  being squished by his own narrow view points and sin, until he learns the way of the  Lord.

 Gosh! When they say Miyamoto is a genius, they really mean it!

Don't Open the Box: Rumor Has It

"Hya hya hya!"

If you're like me and the sound of rumors is like the sound of an irritating pop star -- something you don't want to be subjected to, but get curious about when you are -- then I've got a big one for you! Hya hya hya!

Hundreds of years ago there were apparently two feuding brothers in the hoodskank ghetto of South Kakariko. These two brothers wouldn't speak to each other until a shiny green hero blew down their walls. Then it was said that the two brothers reconciled. But shortly after their reconciliation the shiny green hero was said to set sail for new lands to polish his prowess. Hya hya hya!

Unfortunately, it would seem that younger brother had a thing for the hero. The elder brother, feeling pity for his sibling's unrequited love, sought out a suitable replacement companion for him. Well, he couldn't just go around asking people if they enjoyed male flesh instruments, so they say he got really good at ferreting out rumors. Hya hya hya!

Eventually, his brother moved away and became a hermit. Word has it that as the family line continued, the elder brother's rumor savvy was inherited and passed on to each generation as the Hero of Rumors. Sometimes, for one reason or another, a member of the rumor family takes residence in a cave just like the hermity younger brother. I hear there's someone like that in Northern Hyrule, where the bumpkins live. If you're clever, you might be able to meet him, but he's kind of in the forest. Hya hya hya! 

Best of Miiverse: 12/28

Yes, thank you, Peter.

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Best of Miiverse. Today we take a look at the Final Fantasy community. What sights shall we see when we delve into the minds of those who would pay 500 yen for an RPG released 26 years ago in this very same month? Peter, be a good lad, and fetch the doctor a chestnut.

Our first post comes from Hirotarou:

"Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but in elements like the dramatic scenario, the fact that your party doesn't line up to walk around, that the battle scenes are looked on from above the player's viewpoint, the comparatively somewhat friendly menu screen, and more, I can feel something like FF's obstinate rebellion against DQ, like they were saying, 'Well, one way or another I'm going to bare my teeth at you!' If not for DQ, perhaps FF never would have been born; if not for DQ, perhaps FF would not have become this big of a hit series. I can feel it in my bones, FF is what it is because DQ was there."

And then in his next post: "Putting that aside, the 'Why is it like this?' feel of the menu screen is pretty amazing. Looking at its friendliness, it's at a level that just makes you want to use 'kun' or 'san' or 'tan.' It might be interesting to make it into a character."

And this is the reply:

Menu-kun: "Poison!? Not cool, dude!"

 Moving on, we have this rather delightful specimen from Sho-imo:

I am...Super Monk!

This requires some explanation. I believe in English, Final Fantasy's Black Belt character is known as the Master when he undergoes a class change. In Japanese, he is a Monk and becomes a Super Monk at class change. Yes, that's right, Super Monk.

Not enough anime references for you? Well then, take this, courtesy of Maru:

Galaxy Express came out way before Final Fantasy. An influence?

If you don't know who that is on the left, why he's the captain of Galaxy Express 999! See, take a look:

Hmmm. No similarities at all.

Peter, my pain medication! Ahem, for our final specimen, I give you this excellent observation from Shun:

"Enemies that resemble human beings sure do have a lot of gold!"

Great Scott! I had never considered that before! Sticklers for detail, that rascally Square was!

That's enough for one day. Now Peter, wheel me into the spa, I need to soak.

Tasting the Feast: Excave

A donut fell on my mom and crushed her, so I decided to try a game! This time, I went for Excave, a recently distributed new action RPG on the Japanese e-shop by Mechanic Arms, the lovely people known for the incredibly unique DSiware RPG The Enigmatic Mini-Games, a scrumptious little treat that combined Wario Ware with a dungeon RPG.

The dungeon is getting unruly! The king is restless! Mercenaries seek fame! Off to the dungeons, my lads!

As I set foot in the dungeon, I notice two things: 1) I'm not in 3D, what's up with that? I haven't been a two-dimensional oaf since I used to look down on women, only be interested in sports and pick on gay people! 2) I must have eaten too much of Aunt Harriet's black sugar pumpkin pie because I move like molasses.

Suddenly, a voice echoes from the heavens: "Equip some armor, you blinkin' idiot!" Ah! I see, choosing to equip various things in 3 armor slots from the 16 item slots below that I prepared before I delved inside (did you catch all that?) lets me to choose whether I want to focus on high hit points, high attack or faster movement speed! Interesting! I can also equip one weapon and one item, magic spell or shield to use, though I have to be careful, because the shields and weapons were made amateur blacksmiths and they deteriorate. Furthermore, the bottom screen is used very well to throw away useless items in a trash bin, re-equip different things, and drag potions to your mouth to drink them.

"Do your inventory chores or no successful dungeon exploration for you!" "But ma!" "No buts! I bought you that touch screen to make it easier and more fun, I expect you to use it!"

Whoa nelly! That thunder magic spell was the business! I just let Zeus's lightning rip, and attracted all the slimes to the slaughter as they walked right into a stationary bolt of patented electrical nightmare! It was like cooking Lima beans and green jelly beans using with a mounted taser.

Hmmm, there are lots of keys. All sorts of different colors. This is one of those situations where you have to be careful how much you take, and what you keep, huh? Just then, the voice from the heavens echoes again: "Press and hold the X button in your heart to conjure a magic rune that will transport you back to town." Ah ha! So this is one of those thrift store dungeons where they expect you to go back to town to discard items regularly and manage your inventory that way. That's why my mom named me Excave! It's that whole balancing exploration with escape mechanic!

The voice thunders again, "And read my diary notes, you nincompoop!" Hmm, I do have a lot of pieces of parchment in my inventory. Oh look, they contain hints and directions from the Diary of the Dungeon God, how helpful, yet politely unobtrusive! No tutorials here!

Well, I've only delved into the dungeon for 15 minutes, but already I've traveled multiple floors, accessed a dangerous trap room where I was ambushed by slimes, discovered the satisfying clunk and clash of two distinct types of weapons with their own animations and the need to manage your inventory between two different characters who can equip different things.

I think this dungeon has potential! Let's keep going!

Don't Open the Box: Columns

Face it: dodge ball is the Dark Souls of recess. Maybe the stories don't have any truth in their brittle bones, but I hear that its being banned across schools in the US for being too unfair and promoting violence.

I remember dodge ball in elementary school. It was both infuriating and a lot of fun. People singled me out. Fights broke out. Kids were massive dicks. I think it did me a lot of good. I learned something valuable: sometimes the world is out to get you and its your job to get out of the way until you can do something about it. I like the unfairness of not getting to play at all if you're not good enough, especially when I could inflict it on others.

Dodge ball is a game where you can let out your inner jerk. The greatest of Greek catharsis can be channeled into that ball. Dodge ball should be enshrined as a wonderful little microcosm game for teaching children how harsh life can be.

But instead of having children play games with unclear life lessons where they might have to internalize, reflect and come to their own conclusions, I think we should invest in 3DSes preloaded with the virtual console release of Columns. The easy mode on this sucker is so easy, it reinvents the easy mode. It a shining innovation amongst easy modes. The most inept child could get extremely high scores. Think of the self esteem it would boost! Think of the smiles on millions of improperly diagnosed children on the autism spectrum! And it has shiny jewels that mesmerize as they fade away, symbolizing the fruitlessness of material collection. What else do you need?

Columns is one of those early puzzle droppers. Its fuel is the endless hunger for a better score, not vs. play against the computer or humans, or experience leveling in an RPG tunnel, two roads people would have us say the puzzler evolved into. The score you see up there was easily procured within 20 minutes by messing around on easy. As long as you vaguely try to arrange the gems together into patterns of three or more diagonally, horizontally or vertically you are bound to run into combinations of pattern completions sparkle and disappear that can last for a minute or more of you simply watching the unexplained mass disappearance of gems unfold. Your score blossoms. Your self-esteem grows.

To the left you can see what happened after I triggered one simple pattern erasure near the top of the screen. It looked like I was going to wipe out, but no. It was gem genocide. The Hitler of precious rocks would have been proud.

This could be so valuable in a school setting. Think of the life lessons it could teach! If you bumble along with the basics for long enough it doesn't matter if you get any better or put any effort into anything; matters will clear up all around you with no real punishment. Obviously, this is a much more realistic lesson than dodge ball could ever teach. A great deal of these kids will go onto jobs re-arranging the valuables of others where their effort and hard work will never be properly appreciated. It's best to let them know they can get by through putting in the cool minimum and not think about anything else too hard, except maybe the weekend.

Letters From Our Readers: A Recommendation from Yzmrati

Dear Sazanami,

There is fortune here! Yesterday, I find a great game for my son's 3D's! I download the virtual console thinking game for him because his mother complains he does too much bang killing. So I go to check it out, you know, make sure there are no guns or guts in it. At first, I think "What is this?" but now I think is brilliant.

It concerns the drop of many pieces of four and how you must line them up on the bottom so that the dentist must not fill the cavities. The sound effects are amiable! When you line up the long dotty grey piece to get four lines at once, the virtual console farts! My son will giggle! He will love it. (He is six and he has my eyes. His mother's boobs too. I think we have been feeding him too much of the puddings.)

Anyway, what is best about this thinking game is the life lessons it imparts on our youth. Good work does not leave holes, or else it comes crashing down and we do not get the high score when we die. Sometimes the mood is best for waiting and she will be very happy when the large hard one slides into her. Our score will be high! Sometimes you wait and wait and the good one does not come along, so you settle for plumbing job in east end with dumpy waitress. It is not worth getting game over waiting for life to throw you a bone. If you don't cover up your mistakes quickly, someone will make noise like choking chicken and it will be over anyway. Etc, etc.

My son will learn so many good life lessons! I can't believe more people don't know about this game. Even though it is black and white, it is come recommended (kids do not need the color, is luxury).

-Yzmrati

Don't Open the Box: Wrecking Crew

When you mess up so badly you can't win the game anymore, press select to go back to the title screen. Wrecking Crew is like taking care of vicious animals. Observe their behavior so they don't bite you. Press select to call it a day. Go to the hospital on the way home from work and bandage your wounds. Think about what you did. Start again another day.

Evil Pringles

 cans

I am smarter than horror movie characters. I would not get trapped. I would not get killed. I would be the final boss. But in Wrecking Crew, red and purple Pringles cans chase me. They get me in horror movie slasher situations. And then I cannot outsmart a 20 year old AI. At least in games you have extra lives. Mario is reborn smarter, but I get sadder and sadder. Evil potato chips. Chip Star tastes better anyway.