Showing posts with label retro. Show all posts
Showing posts with label retro. Show all posts

1/03/2014

Don't Open the Box: Tamagon Has Sinned, He Must Repent

I've done it! I've figured out Devil World!

Fried eggs can not lead to the Kingdom of Heaven.
Alas!
Tamagon, the main character is a creature that has been Left Behind. This happened because he committed the sin of gluttony. He loves sunny-side-up eggs. But because he did not repent to the Lord Jesus like the too-fat-to-walk riders of electronic chariots, he did not proceed to the Great Bacon Party in the Sky on the day of rapture.

Now he's stuck on Earth, which is infested with demons. Unbeknownst to Tamagon, the Devil controls his life! Tamagon must take control by finding the Lord (who grants the power to breathe fire to thy enemies via Holy Halitosis) and eating the blissful white leftover souls of people zapped away on the day of reckoning. (The real Light Souls starts here!)

Because every one knows the only character trait gay people have are sexual ones.
The solitary eye is for cruising hot guys.
Speaking of enemies, notice how the only inhabitants left are Tamagon, demons and pink creatures? Pink? I think we all know what that means: God doesn't let gay people enter the Kingdom of Heaven! Want proof? Once confronted by the fires of the Lord, the gay people burn away into delicious eggs, obviously because of the deposit of excess reproductive material that has built up in their butts!

So after Tamagon finds enlightenment by devouring the souls of the righteous like some Walmart CEO, he must learn to piece together fragments of the Bible ripped apart by the demons and bring them to the Holy Church (aka McDonalds) where all the righteous convene with their unemployment dollars to in Bible Studies surrounded by healthy family food. There, Tamagon can learn to say, "Jesus, ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, I'm lovin' it!"

The Devil is blue because his balls are too!
Struttin' in sexy red underwear!
 Once he does that, of course the Devil (who also is obviously gay because he wears  red hot pants) gets turned into a bat like all the characters in such popular demonic  witchcraft books like Twilight and leaves poor Tamagon alone.

 Alas! Every time Tamagon manages to banish Satan from his mind, he succumbs to the  temptations of the tree of knowledge and instead of being born again, eats his green  extra life. Thus the cycle of death and rebirth begins anew, sometimes with Tamagon  being squished by his own narrow view points and sin, until he learns the way of the  Lord.

 Gosh! When they say Miyamoto is a genius, they really mean it!

12/28/2013

Best of Miiverse: 12/28

Yes, thank you, Peter.

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Best of Miiverse. Today we take a look at the Final Fantasy community. What sights shall we see when we delve into the minds of those who would pay 500 yen for an RPG released 26 years ago in this very same month? Peter, be a good lad, and fetch the doctor a chestnut.

Our first post comes from Hirotarou:

"Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but in elements like the dramatic scenario, the fact that your party doesn't line up to walk around, that the battle scenes are looked on from above the player's viewpoint, the comparatively somewhat friendly menu screen, and more, I can feel something like FF's obstinate rebellion against DQ, like they were saying, 'Well, one way or another I'm going to bare my teeth at you!' If not for DQ, perhaps FF never would have been born; if not for DQ, perhaps FF would not have become this big of a hit series. I can feel it in my bones, FF is what it is because DQ was there."

And then in his next post: "Putting that aside, the 'Why is it like this?' feel of the menu screen is pretty amazing. Looking at its friendliness, it's at a level that just makes you want to use 'kun' or 'san' or 'tan.' It might be interesting to make it into a character."

And this is the reply:

The menu's been working out lately. It's seen all those other menus working out. It's getting curious.
Menu-kun: "Poison!? Not cool, dude!"


 Moving on, we have this rather delightful specimen from Sho-imo:

How many HP do YOU think he has?
I am...Super Monk!
This requires some explanation. I believe in English, Final Fantasy's Black Belt character is known as the Master when he undergoes a class change. In Japanese, he is a Monk and becomes a Super Monk at class change. Yes, that's right, Super Monk.

Not enough anime references for you? Well then, take this, courtesy of Maru:

The Galaxy Express 999 will take you on a journey. A never ending journey. A journey to the stars!
Galaxy Express came out way before Final Fantasy. An influence?
If you don't know who that is on the left, why he's the captain of Galaxy Express 999! See, take a look:

At least I don't think this guy was created for war only to lose his life later on in an emotional credit sequence.
Hmmm. No similarities at all.
Peter, my pain medication! Ahem, for our final specimen, I give you this excellent observation from Shun:

"Enemies that resemble human beings sure do have a lot of gold!"

Great Scott! I had never considered that before! Sticklers for detail, that rascally Square was!

That's enough for one day. Now Peter, wheel me into the spa, I need to soak.

11/24/2013

Don't Open the Box: Mama Mia, My Dear Korea!

Gee, I hope nobody is offended by this.
Viva Korea!
When I was still a young Sazanami of about nine, I cherished two weekly events more than anything else: my video game time and my time with my English tutor. He was a ruddy Scottish man who taught you through the things you liked best. The things I liked best were stories, especially fantasy stories. He had a whole head full of myths to impart on me and would relate them to me in energetic story-telling sessions. Then he would write them down in a to-be-understood-by-9-year-old-Japanese-boy-if-he-studied-hard versions every week and then ask me the next week to explain it to him in English, hopefully having understood it more.

Medea Holding a Phoenix Down
My lovely black mage badass, Medea!


I loved all the stories, but especially the Greek ones! At around the same time I was obsessed with playing Super Mario USA (2 for the rest of the world) with my friends, I was learning all about Jason and the Argonauts. I especially liked Medea, because she reminded me of a Japanese RPG female sorceress character, with all the ways she would cleverly help Jason. If you know the story, you know that it's also like an RPG in that there are several different endings, particularly about Medea. No matter how it ends though, Medea either has something horrible done to her or is coerced by fate to do terrible things. I didn't like how Jason betrayed her. I would always think, "Poor Medea!"

As my brothers and friends played through Super Mario USA, we'd say "Mama mia!" when we died. One time, I said, "Mama mia, poor Medea!" when I died as the princess, because you know, the princess was helping out like Medea did. It caught on.

One of my friends was a master at Super Mario USA. Her family had moved from Korea to work in Japan. She was my first Korean friend. We always left the hardest parts to her. It was in one of those levels where you have to be very careful how you bomb the rock walls to move on and in a dubious case of carelessness, she accidentally died. Cue, "Mama mia, poor Medea!" I thought I would be clever and add "From Korea" to the rhyme.

From that point on, the rhyme got longer and longer as we added more silly things to it. Anything we could think of that rhymed with "mia" got in. The chain got very long, but it always started with, "Mama mia!" and ended with, "Poor Medea!" At one point we added "Pizzeria" and of course if you eat something, what's the funniest food-related thing in the world to a nine-year-old? If you guessed poop, congratulations, you either understand children, are one yourself or are a child at heart -- all good things if you ask me! So the pizzeria chain evolved into "Pizzeria, poopa-pee-a, diarrhea!"

Now keep in mind we were just playing around, so we didn't really pay any particular attention to the order we were rhyming in. Here's what the finished monster looked like:

Mama mia
Two and three-a 
It's a me-a
No, it's a she-a
Drives a Kia
From Korea
Pizzeria
Poopa pee-a
Diarrhea
Ants and bee-a
Gonna sting-ya
Poor Medea!

Harmless and fun, right? Well, not entirely. Unfortunately, our little rhyme was so catchy to us, we'd often sing it when not playing the game. My Korean friend sang it at home in front of her parents. I'm not sure how fluent they were in English, but all that stuck out to them was "Korea" and "poop."

We got in trouble. While my parents were understanding and tried to reason with her parents, I'm afraid I was never allowed to play with my Korean friend again. It was obvious to me and my brothers that we weren't trying to be mean to Koreans. My dad and mom simply warned me that no matter how innocent the intentions are, one should never put country names anywhere close to defecating terms. I did take the advice, of course and I've been lucky to make many other good Korean friends since then, but I can't help but think this when I look back on it:

Mama mia! Poor Medea!

11/21/2013

Mr. Fix It: How Random Battles and Lives Systems are Like Balding Remedies

Dear Sazanami,

My friend just recommended what he called a great RPG to me. But I starting playing it and to my horror, it has random battles!

I spent good money on this game! Why would my friend do that to me?

-Quaff, a Hairy Middle-Aged Accountant from Wisconsin

My dear Quaff,

I have a friend who has been blessed with a natural affinity toward beauty. Without any effort, he has maintained a nicely muscular frame, avoided any nasty kind of facial blemish and been endowed with lovely, floppy hair whose default state is permanent sexy. He doesn't use skin products, work out or constantly fuss with his hair.

As if dragged by some beauty inertia, his careless handsomeness has led him to become as vain as the sorceress from the Gummi Bears, Lady Bane. About a year ago, nearing the last futile bleats of his roaring twenties, my friend found his hair was starting to thin. This caused a sense of crisis in him until the day he saw a tip on variety show that advised people to stand on their head a little each day. Doing so would increase circulation to the head, which is needed for healthy hair growth, so goes the traditional wisdom.

At this point, I imagine many who read this can be dragged into two categories. You could be the curious, open-minded type who is sometimes easily fooled, "Oh, does that help stave off balding?" Or you could be the type who scoffs at such things as if they were irrational nonsense, "Scientists have found no direct link between such silly remedies and hair growth."

However, like usual, I think the truth is in the middle somewhere. It would appear that the prevailing fact is that once hair follicles stop growing -- not simply falling out, as from brushing or cancer treatment -- that's it, there's no getting them back. Until evidence comes saying otherwise, that's what I think is the truth. On the other hand, as somebody who was pulled into endless bathroom sessions to confirm that yes, my friend's hair did seem to be thinning at an alarming rate, with no discernible sickness or malady causing it, and seeing how he looks now, I can confirm that his hair definitely made a recovery. Apparently, the trick has worked for others as well.

That may down to what they and my friend did though. He's never been the type who can stand on his head, or do cartwheels, but every morning, after introducing an exercise regimen of various push-ups, pull-ups and the like, he spent some time against the wall teaching himself to stand on his head. Now, he has become quite an acrobatic guy who can walk on his head and do some impressive body-bending tricks.
Three Chinese hand-stands and seven essence of seaweed, baldness be gone!
My hair will be victorious against the ravaging of time!

He also started to take in more minerals, cut down on snacks and eat more fruits and vegetables. He learned to become more flexible and changed his sedentary lifestyle to something a little more athletic and healthy.

I think what happened is a combination of good living habits made his remaining hair much thicker and staved off any additional hair loss. He perhaps realized that nobody stays beautiful forever without at least a little effort. Either way, the change has made him a healthier person. He still doesn't use balding creams or spend hours in the bathroom, but indulges in good habits to maintain the pride in his natural beauty.

This could be called a healthy kind of vanity: a kind that inspires movement in a better direction and does not make the person seem like a massive piece of dick lint. So elements that have passed out of favor in video games, like random battles and lives systems, are at their best when they are inspired by a healthy kind of vanity. I bet you thought I would compare them to balding because such old video game ideas were once considered normal and natural, and have now faded away, didn't you? Gotcha!

No, no. The truth is that some people go bald and others keep their hair. (Some games still use old ideas for their mechanics, others adapt the new ones.) There is a third category of person though. They try endless remedies, like tonics or implants and such, to regrow their hair. (Some game designers throw in old elements without thinking much, in a misguided attempt to recapture the old days.) In this third category, there is still another person like my friend who practices healthy vanity. (They continue to carry on the tradition of the old games by thinking about the reasons why they started to fade and adopting healthier practices to prevent them falling out of favor.)

The long and lonely road to gaming baldness.
There go the random battles of my youth.
There are many unhealthy practices that went on with lives systems and random battles that led to some gamers thinking these ideas are now obsolete.

Because it was easy to design, older RPGs would repeatedly vomit out easy battles and with little care, attention or thought, one could mop up the chunky brown monster goo by taping down their A button. There weren't many engaging ideas in the battles, but that's not because they were random. Another complaint was that, like a wannabe rapper interrupted by his mom yelling to come to dinner, it interrupts the flow of the game and happened too frequently, which isn't so much a complaint leveled at the mechanic as it is due to sloppy game design or an incompatible taste between the developer's intentions and the player's wants.

Likewise, now that we can save our games to hard media independent from the game itself, the consensus seems to be that nobody wants to replay the same portion of the game. If a game isn't much fun anymore under the duress of repeated play, how good could it have really been? Even if it's a game where the appeal comes in experiencing the interactions, like any good story, it should inspire another go eventually (any parent who gets a nighttime request for the same book for weeks on end can tell you this). Everyone has their personal level to which they like to repeat an experience. Which would be healthier: insist that the only modern ideal of game design should be to keep the player going forward as much as possible, at all times, or that there is a spectrum of different preferences that can be catered to by knowing your audience?

Random battles, as a design element, still have a lot of value.

They can be a boon to developers with scarce resources. Inventing a system for encounters where battle initiate through contact with a visible object involves animating, programming and designing a whole host of symbols or enemies to populate the world and then designing environments so that players can avoid them, but are fostered into enough battles to keep the difficulty curve in the desirable area. Doing this incorrectly makes the whole thing cascade into the same kind of frustrations that poorly implemented random battles used to cause; players can still get caught into a series of battles that cause tedium and frustration because of AI routines, enemy or area designs. Developers who want to focus on character growth, intricate tactics or other mechanics; they can skip implementing symbol encounter battles and focus on the mathematical equations and ratios that are much easier to tweak and change.

Random battles also allow for interesting and fantastic contradictions. You can have a knight crawling in a series of narrow pipes and fighting witches and ogres. Some may say that ruins immersion, but many will also say they don't care about that, and like the strange gap, and rightly so for both parties. Random battles also help less coordinated players who do not like to have to contend with any action elements. They're also great for preserving surprise and tension.

Similarly, leaving the concept of lives and continues to drown with the Titanic would seriously hurt the design scope of surviving games. Many have noted that modern Mario games are so easy that "it makes the concept of lives meaningless." I wouldn't go that far. For one thing, I still encounter younger children or less skilled players who play Mario levels and can't get through a level without running out of all their lives. "Exactly! That's why there shouldn't be any lives. Just replays!" Not so fast.

Many games adopt a difficulty structure where the challenges grow more complex as the game continues. If a player is having trouble completing a certain stage, one reason might be that they have not learned or perfected skills in earlier stages that would help them. Designing a lives system that punishes the player by requiring a play-through of earlier stages can be a great strength of the design. Players may be reminded of other ways to play, might strengthen skills that could help with further portions and encounter situations that may provide hints or new insights to their current problem. In real life, is it reasonable to say anyone should just their charge their horns into their problems without taking a breather, looking at it from a different angle, telling the intern to do it instead, or going back to an earlier step? I think most would agree, it's often not healthy to do it this way.

There are many benefits of a lives system such as bragging rights, infinite 1-up tricks, rewards for exploration or skill, pithy comments about getting a life and easy numerical comparisons of how much more skilled one player is to another. Anyone who has played modern Mario games know also that it can also be fun just to stop and find ways to generate lives.

There are all sorts of other mechanics that have come under fire by using hyperbolic statements that call them archaic, like turn-based battle systems, save points or indeed, even things like boss battles and boss rushes. These well-trodden, traditional game mechanics are much like works of art whose perceived quality fluctuates based on the cultural values of the people who view them (also because plebes point at them and say, "I don't understand it, therefore it has no value.")

Let's keep them around by involving a healthy amount of skepticism toward sketchy ways bad designers implement them, letting them wax and wane like the hairline of a recurring chemotherapy patient, and by indulging in healthy vanity to keep the tradition alive. 

Yours If You Want Me to Be,

Sazanami

11/19/2013

Don't Open the Box: Lakitu is a Tongue Twister


Quiz! Who is that creepy guy in the clouds throwing his red spiny friends at you from his fortress of solitude? Yeah that guy, the one on the left. If you come from North America or an English-speaking country, you might know that his name is Lakitu.

I be floatin' my cloud, throwin' all my friends, don't hate me cause I'm proud, to follow you to the end
A violent hikikomori
However if you come from my land and his country of origin (where apparently we speak the language of the moon), his name is Jugem, or more appropriately, Jugemu.

You might recognize the word Jugem from the item Jugem's Cloud, which in Super Mario Bros. 3 allowed you to skip levels! (Funny how today that doesn't seem to be as appealing a concept, isn't it? Nowadays hopping on his cloud will help you explore more of the level or open up new ones.)

Sure, in English, he lacks a tu, that makes perfect sense, considering the world of cloud ballerinas and their single tus. But Jugemu? That makes no sense at all!

Well, maybe, but I remember a childhood tongue twister that is known as Jugemu. It goes like this:

Jugemu jugemu
Gokou no surikire
Kaijari suigyou no
Suigyoumatsu unraimatsu fuuraimatsu
Kuu neru tokoro ni sumu tokoro
Yaburakouji no burakouji
Paipo paipo paipo no shuuringan
Shuuringan no guurindai
Guurindai no ponpokopii no ponpokonaa no
Choukyuumei no chousuke
   
I loved this tongue twister as a kid. I could always get to the middle part easily, my mouth rattling it off at 400 RPM, but the middle part (that starts with yaburakouji) always messed me up. It still does to this day. I can even do the last few lines perfectly. If it weren't that dastardly middle line and its pesky syllables.

The tongue twister was said to be created when a man asked a priest to name his child something that would ensure he had a long life. The priest came up with all sorts of long-lived metaphors, legends and expressions, which form each part of the verse. (The very name Jugemu is an amalgamation of Japanese characters meaning "no end to the life line.") Can you imagine someone being named that? "Jugemu jugemu, gokou no surikire ... blah blah blah ... shuuringan ... blah blah blah ... chousuke, can you pass me the salt?"

If you are fluent in Mushroom Kingdom common sense, like all right-thinking people are, you will remember that Lakitu/Jugemu tends to come back no matter how many times you kill him and will follow you to the ends of the earth (or at least the stage). Do you think that's why Nintendo named him Jugemu? Can you say the tongue twister as fast as you can?