Mr. Fix It: How to Make MMOs More Interesting?

Dear Sazanami,

I feels like I'm going nowhere. My master says if I keep going, eventually this guy will drop something so he can get a widget to make an armor to let him beat up a tough guy. I wish this were more fun. What would you do?

Yours,

A Hamster

Dear Hamster,

I understand.

Everyone loves being a dentist. The monsters in these games, they enjoy showing their teeth. Roaring and yelling and making an awful racket. Instead of killing them, I think we should solve their dental problems.

A cave drawing left behind by the Ancients, of a monster suffering tooth pain.

Heal the cavities, make their mouths a better place, for you and me and the entire monster race. There are molars hurtin', if you care enough for dental hygiene, make a healthier mouth for you and for me.

I'm certain the reason these monsters are so cranky and eager to eat humans, elves and dwarves is because their usual scrumptious diet of diamond-encrusted scrumptious gibblies is too hard for their now brittle teeth.

The same cave drawing in HD.

Players could check for cavities on trolls, clean the teeth of carnivorous plants, perform dental surgery on dragons, and put braces on young vampires so their teeth grow nice and straight. Monstrous dental hygiene will surely lead to world peace.

Or, you could be a paper boy. Deliver the news to the monsters of the world. Educate them on the economic problems of the dwarven ruby crisis. Let them know the plight of the elves who are discriminated for not having pointy-enough ears. Help them understand the damage of the "We can do everything, we so dynamic" human propaganda.

You could use a variety of mounts to deliver papers. Rocket-powered bikes, Dali Elephants, land-tunneling uberdolphins, jetpacks fueled by candy canes, Santa's sled with your own private collection of reindeer. Bonus points for delivering a paper smack in the eye or into their hands. Throw points into developing more dynamic trick throws to catch the attention of ADHD monsters, or into different "Extra! Extra! Read all about it! The Ministers of Marbles has Lost His Balls!" type of newsie shouts.

Another valid job would be elderly dance instructor. Take a look at this charming music video:

Hopefully, the infinite wisdom of the Overlords has been maintained and you can still watch that, because it contains a valuable truth of life. South African group Mi Casa demonstrates how sometimes all you need to get your groove on and impress the opposite sex is the intrinsic wonder of dance moves invented by sleepy grandpas.

I say we incorporate this into MMOs. Dance with the monster, and it will have a fun night. Teach the monster to dance, and its groove will be infinite.

Let us dye the sunset horizon with the conga line silhouettes of zombies, witches, death knights, slimes and gargoyles. Before they put the other foot into the grave, let us pass on the dancing wisdom of the geriatric generation. Teach the two-step to the two-headed. Assure the centaur that having two actual left feet is no problem. Make every night a thriller night.

Surely, an orally hygienic, news-reading, groove-smacking populace of monsters would make for a better world. And for the players, would it not be Sparta?

I argue it would, dear hamster.

Love and Kisses,

Sazanami